Friday, July 25, 2014

My Weight Gain Struggle

I had no intentions of writing this post. Once the idea came, I wrestled with it for a few days, asking myself if it would be beneficial to anyone (including myself), or necessary; but after the 90 millionth "eat a burger" comment I received today, I decided that it was. 
I am not an avid blogger, but I have been a member of the blogging community for a few years. I frequently fashion blogged while I was living in Montreal, but chose not to share with my friends and family because I was insecure. Truthfully I genuinely enjoyed the hobby, but completely stopped altogether because of the issue I am about to address. 

Bear with me, I have always been a thin framed girl. At my heaviest in 2011 while living in Montreal, I weighed 120lbs. For me that was a tad beyond my comfort zone, which was my own problem because I ate like 3 packages of Smarties a day. In high school I fluctuated between 105-110lbs (my comfort zone) although I wore an XXL large grey sweater practically every day so you probably didn't even notice. 

Over the last year I have drastically and very quickly dropped over 30lbs unintentionally. Seeing yourself in the mirror every day it is often hard to make the comparison or see a difference. It wasn't until I started visiting home and seeing the worried looks on the faces of my friends and families that I started to realize it was a problem.
Over the last six months it has caused me an uncomfortable amount of anxiety to visit home or go out in public because I assumed people were judging me. There were numerous times where I would post a photo of myself to Facebook and immediately take it down.  

I understood that my loved ones were genuinely concerned. Also I understood that others were concerned purely for the sake of gossip.

Many of my clients started referring to me only as "that skinny girl" or "the toothpick". 
I have been accused on numerous occasions of being anorexic or bulimic, and had people watch me after meals to make sure I didn't make a trip to the bathroom. 
If I had a dollar for every time I have been told to "eat a burger" or asked, "do you eat anything?" I would be as rich as J.K Rowling. 
One of the most frustrating parts about this is that I genuinely love food. I have a passion for cooking and trying different recipes, I love restaurants, and have never looked at the calorie intake on the back of anything. 
The first doctor visit I made to discuss the issue he told me that "I was lucky to be so thin" and to stop complaining, shoved some depression pills down my throat and sent me on my merry way. (These made me lose more weight, by the way.) I have had several blood tests done hoping that it was a thyroid issue, an iron issue, a SOMETHING issue just so I could give people a diagnosis and quiet the noise. 

Last week I weighed myself soaking wet from the shower and was under 90lbs. My immune system is low, I have very little energy and chronic fatigue. I also realize that being this thin at 23 can cause fertility issues, osteoporosis, and is not easy on your organs. I am going to be seeing a nutritionalist and working on trumping the anxiety issues.  

I have recently been told that I am "unattractively thin", "grossly underweight" and that I "used to be pretty." As a girl who has struggled with self-esteem and body image issues her entire life to begin with, there are days when it is difficult for me to leave the house. How can I like what I see when I am made aware that other people do not? 
I am not fishing for any kind of sympathy or compliments, and this was a difficult post for me to write. I am merely suggesting that a little compassion goes a long way. Telling a skinny person any of the above things is on the same level as telling someone who is overweight that they are fat. It's kind of rude. And believe me, we are aware, we don't need you to let us know. We appreciate your concern, but tread lightly my friends, because sometimes (like in my case) we are not in control of it.